Speechwriting: Corporate, Weddings, Retirement


I Will Not Be Executed: What Dreams May Come

Smucker's Concord Grape Jam, 18 oz (1 lb 2 oz) 510 g
  • A 12 year-old African American did not buy the Detroit Lions for $52,000 after the team had the worst year in sports history. (For the record, they were 0-16 in 2008, and 2-14 in 2009. They stink.)
  • My high school cross country coach (the one roiled in scandal just after I graduated) did not buy the Epicurean Hungarian Restaurant. He claimed not to have bought it, so who can say? Either way, I knew an American could not bring the authenticity to the place.
  • I did not see a mix of my old boss at Chapel of the Air and my professor of marketing to nonprofits (the one who is VP at Christianity Today) running through my neighborhood as I sat counting change I found on the sidewalk. He did not turn and scornfully harass me for not running.
  • I will not help manage an avant garde musical with my old boss at the International Fellowship of Christians and Jews (the one who went on to become president of Big Idea/Veggie Tales). 
  • I will not be living my last day as a condemned criminal, soon to be executed for the crime of dating a journalist once and briefly. We walked, supposedly to the park and bought a hot dog from a street vendor. She didn't finish her hot dog, and we chatted and left. Hardly a date; I never knew her name, or that she was a journalist. Just someone I met and struck conversation with. Ignorance is no excuse, they said. The crime is because I worked for a multinational corporation, and the date opened the door for her to learn, then report half truths that would impact the brand, which would impact sales, which would impact the world economy. As such, a capital crime. Thankfully, then, I did not rush around town, looking for a caveat or any kind. No loopholes, though I thought there should be. Everyone seemed so blasé in this darkest hour. Though my hours were numbered, instead of spending this last opportunity saying good-bye to loved ones, I raged in desperate anger, researching in futility for respite.
Rule now to follow, as a lesson learned: Watch that PBJ I have late at night. Not so heavy next time on the grape jelly.

This surreal collection of dreams apparently brought you by Smucker's Concord Grape Jam, 18 oz (1 lb 2 oz) 510 g.
Post a Comment