Speechwriting: Corporate, Weddings, Retirement

9/27/10

Expunging Religion: A Nontheist Proposal

No God, No God Worshipers Allowed
I have been reading about the recent sex scandals involving a pastor of a large church in Atlanta. As everyone knows, he is not the first religious man to be accused of such abuses. Scandal, too, beyond that which is sexual, is rampant, and disgusts this reader of such news. Worse than sex and money (which we the People have every right to condemn the desire, ownership or misappropriation thereof), is ideological scandal. The members of this, and of all churches, mosques, and synagogues are led by men and women of all races and flavors, who believe and teach "god." God, being the very source of what is contrary to public life, is declared non-existent. He is not dead as he simply "isn't."

As we know:
  • Only religious leaders commit sex crimes against young men.
  • Only religious leaders are hypocrites.
  • Only religious leaders scam.
  • All those who believe in any religion are fools.
In fact, all do, there is no good in any religious person or organization.

The People have responded.

As a result, we, in America, not believing that people should gather as a unit to either worship or ostensibly serve a deity, will outlaw and cancel such activities.

We will start with President Obama, who has made it clear he is a Christian, and, as such, is part of this scam of money and sexuality. Impeachment will soon be underway.

Next, we will shut down the Salvation Army, World Vision, World Relief, and the YMCA. Make no delay. Trucks loaded with large axe-carrying men are on their way. Leave their premises immediately, or succumb to the People's Will.

Following this, we will oust every religiously motivated soup kitchen. Remaining soup will be poured down sewers, assisted by the great grandson of Eliot Ness.

All hospitals owned by the Catholic Church and other religious denominations will see their doors shut. Their patients will be absorbed by the much better county hospitals in their communities. Since religious people have morals, this impedes true science and true health. These facilities will become Planned Parenthood population control branch offices, or movie theaters, as space permits. In either case, popcorn will be served.

City names, like San Francisco, California; St. Louis, Missouri; and Santa Claus, Indiana, must be changed immediately to secular names.

People named Chris (male and female), will now be called Bob and Sue, respectively.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson will now be referred to as "The Father of Jesse Jackson Jr."

All people owning St. Christopher's medals or plastic Jesus' on their car dashboards must recycle them. If it rains and/or freezes, you must now care. Drive carefully because you now have no protection.

Citizens will work all holidays, since no day can be considered holy. This includes Martin Luther King Jr. Day because he was named after a historically significant theologian and himself made not-so-veiled references to Jesus Christ as the reason for fighting for equality.

Valentine's Day, naturally, now just celebrates the late Jimmy Hoffa's birthday.

You will remain sober on St. Patrick's Day, since celebrating any day remembering this British evangelist will not be tolerated. Offenders will be excommunicated to Canada. The Chicago River will still be green, but this will be because of murky pollution only.

Further, all days named after after a deity will be referred by the number it falls in the week, which now starts not on Sunday or Monday, but on the day formally known as Tuesday (now called '1W'). Months will reflect the change as well. The first month of the year is to be named '1M.' Since 3M is already a trademarked company named, and the People respect corporate rights, the former 'March' will be called 'Step.'

No more Jewish food. Since observing a kosher diet as defined by the Old Testament, it must be presumed that all food referring to this religious group must have been considered religious. Discussions are already occurring in New York City to convert delicatessens to hot dog joints. Special consideration is being made for matzo ball soup because it is so dog gone good. The People are not insensitive.

Sterling Silver and Stainless Steel Mizpah Medal, 20" and 24"Mizpahs, those medallions with two halves indicating a shared, but separated love, will be melted and turned into lockets. Feel free to miss your love, but present no pretense of Genesis 31:49, please.

No one will be allowed to swear. No "J. H. C," or "G-D." To be clear, "dammit" itself is not allowed, as is, "Go to Hell," since Hell cannot exist. No ecstatic eruptions of the phrase, "Oh God!" will be permitted, no matter what. The movie by the same name with George Burns and John Denver will be burned, as will Bruce Almighty. The F-bomb is still allowed.

All movies, books and music with religious references of any kind will be expunged or refitted. This includes the Yellow Brick Road scenes in The Wizard of Oz, as it alludes to the streets of gold of Heaven, as described in Revelation 21:21.

The Beatles' album, "Abbey Road," will be referred to simply as "Road." Similarly, "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin will be called, "Stairway to Nowhere."

The Vatican, and all it includes, will be either destroyed or converted into a more suitable use. The Sistine Chapel will become a shop selling the new and right calendars, and its illegal ceiling will be painted over to display a pleasant gray tone in accordance with the Dour-Bland Act of 2010 (popularly referred in the press to as the "Dawkins Maneuver").

National Geographic may no longer be permitted to show cultural religious celebrations, as they do not exist. Dentists are hereby instructed to dispose of all copies.

The man who wanted to burn the Koran will be forgotten because both his theology that rejects Islam, and Islam itself, are no longer legal, and will be washed from the corporate, public memory. The State of Florida will burn any remaining Korans in a public closing of the mind ceremony.

Praying mantis insects will be stepped on when ever seen genuflecting, or otherwise appearing supplicatory. So as to not destroy the eco-system which has so far been supported, in part, by this vile rubbish of a creature, the legs which appear to be praying may be broken off and the mantis may live.

If you see a shamrock, note that the three leaves do not explain a Trinitarian god, and four leaves cannot represent good luck, a subtle form of religious hope. They are just weeds to you now.

Finally, atheists themselves are outlawed, and may expect to be immediately jailed, since what they do not believe in has no place in society, per the People, they, in defiance to what is no longer, are, by default, defying the Law. Anyone claiming to be atheists after the first 1W of 1M will be shot.
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