Speechwriting: Corporate, Weddings, Retirement

1/6/11

Huck Finn to Be Expunged of the Word Nigger, But That's Not All (satire)


The Complete Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Tom SawyerNews: Roughly 100 occasions of the word 'nigger' will be expunged from Adventures of Huck Finn. African Americans are offended, rightfully. It will be replaced with 'slave'.

A real concern of racism being attacked by petty revisionism? Looks that way, but also out on the hit list are some other familiar favorites.

The Bible will be expunged from the word 'God'. Atheists are rightfully offended. It will replaced with 'earthly ruler'. In some editions, it will be replaced with 'science'.

Other editions of the Bible will also expunge the word 'God.' It will be replaced with 'Mother Earth'. The atheists are still offended.

QEII - Cruiseship under repair Boston, Art Poster by John Mottern
QE II
Moby Dick's use of 'whale' will be replaced with 'leviathan' after complaints from SeaWorld. They said it hurt marketing.

The Victoria's Secret catalog will be renamed just 'Secret' as Her Majesty, the Queen of England has not, and will not allow the use of her family's trademarked name. Rejected also was 'Princess Diana's Seduction Line'. Prince William found it offensive as his own trophy fiance's name was not mentioned.

Harry Potter's name in all books and related products will be changed to 'Phil B. Container', shortened form of 'Filamentous Biomaterial Liquid Container'. In a rare collective, both the Potter's Union and Bald Men's Association denounced J. K. Rowling's horrible insensitivity. It, they said, was because 'Harry' sounds like 'hairy' and, well, they aren't. The Potters felt they were being reduced to pulp fiction.

Fellow top pop writer Anne Rice chimed in against Rowling, as always, with a Facebook post, claiming her son Christopher was offended, and so now she is too, and that it is the Catholic Church's fault. She chose not to amplify her reasoning, but 100 of her followers all agreed, posting accordingly on her page.

New Orleans Saints Stop SignJust as the University of Illinois' Illini Chief Illiniwek was forced to retire his name, the Cleveland Indians, the New Orlean Saints, and the Chicago Bears are reviewing their names as mascots. Pittsburgh Steers are facing lawsuits from criminals who, thanks to their illiteracy, feel they are being gypped out of licensing fees.

And Romanian Gypsies, facing daily discrimination and hate speech in Eastern Europe, have requested I do not use the word 'gyp' as it popularizes a common stereotype. They also want to called Roma. They would rather I use 'Jew', but, rightfully, the Anti-Defamation League prefers I do not.

Rumors have suggested also that the New York Giants are rethinking their team name, out of deference to Lilliputians, who, though not real, might be offended and excluded.

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