Speechwriting: Corporate, Weddings, Retirement

5/2/11

Area 51: Body of Osama bin Laden: Lies Our Government Told Us

You know Osama bin Laden was killed. You know his body was dumped at sea, per Islamic tradition.
No you don't. Did you touch the body? Did you see it up close? Did you view it, even, on TV with expert forensic witnesses? No.

It is a known fact, except to billions of Earth citizens, Osama bin Laden was an alien from the Planet Yougottabekidding 9. It is a moon-like neighbor of Uranus, with an invisibility cloak. Few Earthlings remarked at his gigantic height. How many Middle Easterners are as tall?

Osama bin Laden's actual name is BDN Anomalies. BDN is Yougotta-ese for Big Dude Nappin'. You see, he was a freak on his own planet, and the Yougottans kicked him out. He landed on Earth, stole the identity of a rich Sudanese family, and hoodwinked Al Quaeda. He wanted to use them, as he did, as puppets to overtake the Earth's military, and then, take out his own planet.

George W. Bush did not kill him. He, as part of the New World Order, kept the story going as we needed an enemy to hate. Bill Clinton did the deed, using a Reagan-era laser missile from the Star Wars program. Monica Lewinsky was actually a missile-shooter, and, when caught on White House grounds, she fabricated a tremendous story about sex wih President Clinton. Her infamous blue dress served as a microwave and radiation protection gown for both her and President Clinton as they took bin Laden down in a special Oval Office operation. The cigar, despite all speculation to the contrary, was really the key to the secret device.

Shivering Shaun the Sheep Soft Toy
Prototype for Osama bin Laden
lifelike presentation.
What about the videos of Osama bin Laden? Those looked very real, didn't they?

While I cannot get into details, but I will say Nick Park of Wallace and Gromit and Shaun the Sheep fame, and the Madame Tussuad people worked together very closely. Very, very closely. Notice Shaun's resemblance to Osama? Master of puppets al Jazeera released the videos convincingly.

Bringing a body home would do no one any good. The real body has been locked in a cold chamber in a cave in Area 51. When the news media released reports that our soldiers were looking in every cave for Osama bin Laden, the inside joke caused a lot of chuckles at the White House.

Why now? President Obama saw our economy lagging, going into worse debt than when he started, and needed a distraction. Bush, Clinton, and Nancy Reagan all agreed this was the right thing to do. George HW Bush was unavailable for the call, and Jimmy Carter didn't believe killing Osama bin Laden was the answer, especially a fake bin Laden.
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