Just in from Washington DC --
Due to a high unemployment rate, Labor Day has been cancelled. Not enough people are actually working to have the day off.
As a result, there will be no BBQs, backyard football, beer drinking, and absolutely no relaxing of any kind.
"With roughly 10% of the workforce already not working," said President Obama in a special address to the American people, "we cannot, in good faith, honor a holiday for them."
Banks, post offices and parking meter readers will all be open for business, he continued.
"America, I too will be working hard. I will think of you while golfing with the Republican Party, bridging dialogue, talking compromise, and making birdies."