Speechwriting: Corporate, Weddings, Retirement


Santa Claus Tells It Like It Is

If Santa Claus was honest, and clear to young boys and girls, what might he say?

Look, kid, I like your spunk. But here's what's going down: your dad is out of work, and that big screen TV they had to have ate up the budget for your gifts this year. I'm not real. We both know that. But you need to understand that they come first.

So, that truck you wanted? Yeah, you might get that. However, those videos game you wanted? Forget about it. Besides, you are fat and anti-social. 

You need to get your butt out there playing where the air isn't filtered. Oh, it is not filtered in your house? I'm sorry to hear that. Your parents are still dumb enough to smoke. No, I can't call DCFS on them. Smoking in the house is not illegal. The bronchitis you get in college is not proven to be caused by that. But that money they spent on tobacco -- that's right, that's why you won't see a new bike under the tree.

That whiny brat is your older brother? Looks like a girl. Who dressed him anyway? I remember him from last year. He wanted everything. He got it too. Your parents are spineless. No wonder the kid's a whiner.

What are you doing for Christmas? No, I won't call it 'holidays'? I'm Santa Claus, you twit. Christmas is what I do. Not New Years, not Halloween. No, I'm not Jesus Christ. What does he have to do with Christmas? What did he ever do for you, you little ingrate.

You are going to feed the homeless? Oh, how cute. Just once? What, they aren't hungry in July?

Look, kid, you are cute. Get a paper delivery job, and make your own money. Oh right. Nobody buys papers anymore. That's not my fault. It isn't. Here, take candy and get your fat self off my lap.

Man, I need a better job. Four years in art school, and this is all I can get. The country owes me a job.
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